Community

I hung out with Ty and some people at his house yesterday watching Foxcatcher. It was a huge contrast from the dinner on Saturday (which I ultimately regretted going to but after talking to another friend I decided to forget about it) and it makes me wonder where the difference (from both nights) comes from. Well, I guess the difference is Ty. He is an anomaly. (And he was the one that also pointed out to me his boredom with the white-Christian people hailing from the mid-west.)

Anyways, I realized while hanging out with Ty that this is the community that I am the most comfortable in at this point. And whenever I'm hanging out with them, I'm smiling and laughing. Yesterday, we were laughing so hard about the split brain test. Jens pulled up diagrams from his phone and was passing them around. He totally reminds me of Paul. Hanging out with this group reminds me of the community I experienced when I was in AZ as a high school/college student.

So this dinner I promised peeps -- I might cook Korean.

I should invite:
Ty/Jens (Jens is Ty's brother and is pronounced /Yenz/ )
Megan
Sagar

And Lisa. So that's five people. Six including me.

Claire offered to tutor me French and I am wondering if I should take up this offer. If Claire becomes my French tutor and I don't have to spend an arm and a leg for French lessons, then I can start taking piano lessons again. Or maybe I should invite Claire to the dinner, too? The more the merrier? I don't want to cook for ten people, though. Need to figure this out.

Good-bye

This is really really random but when I was nineteen I fell in love with one of my closest friends. It lasted forever and it seemed like it would never go away-- that was about 1.5 to 2 years. But that time seemed to stretch on and on with no end. Probably one of the most intense and painful experiences I've had in my life. The love was unrequitted. I think the most difficult part was that this person did care for me very much just not in the way I cared for him (Rachel and Joey in Friends? But ten times more intense.)

After all these years, I just remember all the conversations we had. On the phone for hours, at cafes, walking down the streets of Seoul.. They were deep. A number of things he said changed the way I looked at the world (in a good way) and affected and still affects the way I live today. We really did understand each other in an uncanny way, and he was there for me during one of the most difficult times of my life with nothing but respect. The text messages he sent and the words he spoke into my life then gave me strength and hope. Nobody had that power over me during the time, but he did. Our connection really made me wonder why we (as humans in general) have these inexplicable, profound mutual bonds, but that bond - at the end - doesn't work out and trying to work it out is like fighting fate, banging your head against a dead end wall or something. No matter how hard I (we) tried it just did not work out. It was one of the most difficult lessons I learned: in life, you must (sometimes) let go of things. And it will not come back. No matter how much you love, it will not come back. You must say good-bye.

At the time, he told me that one day I would leave (Korea, and in extension him) and never look back. He said he just knew this about me and when that time came, he would just be someone in my life that would be standing in the way. I remember looking at him thinking, 'Why do you say that? How can you say that when I am sitting here across from you with my heart crushed and telling you that I care about you so much?' But he was right. He did know me. He knew me better than I knew myself.

I dont even know if he's dead or alive now. Nobody I know knows where he is or what he's doing. But out of so many ppl who have come and gone in my life, he is really someone I cannot forget. I hope wherever he is, he is at peace and well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UZlzNRwk1c

Do we need permission to love? Permission to hold what is most sacred in our hearts as sacred?

What is sacrilegious? How is that what I consider sacred in the deepest part of my heart is chastised and condemned as a sacrilege?

Love - the deepest most profound love - makes us sacrilegious because it defies all logic, all rules, all social conventions.